“Maybe we could get together and try out these new sheets”…What?!

@GirlontheProwl here, everyone has their awkward moments, but I have this thing I like to call “Awkward First Impressions”. I’m not sure what it is, but I often come across people who just don’t know how to filter themselves when they go in for the kill—and by that I mean when they ask me out. I understand that asking someone out can be nerve wracking, but honestly, I’m not an intimidating person and you don’t have to over compensate, or tell me things I don’t need to know for that matter. However, since some of my awkward first impressions tend to be very comically awkward, I figured what better thing to do than share the experiences. So folks, I present the first story of many in a series of awkward moments.

A couple of years ago I worked for a large department store inside of a mall and this guy came in one day asking for help looking for some bed sheets for the bed he had just purchased. Let’s call this guy Pippin—not because he looked like a hobbit, but because it was the name I gave him after the “incident”. So like any good sales associate would do, I helped Pippin in his quest to find the perfect sky blue sheets to match his newly acquired hobbit hole—I mean bachelor pad. Now, I’m not sure what kind of bachelor pads this guy had seen before, but sky blue sheets don’t exactly scream “I want you”—because let’s face it, his emphasis on telling me he was a bachelor insinuated one thing. So in an attempt to help his night life a little, I discretely showed him sheets that wouldn’t remind a girl of her little brother’s race car sheets from back in the day. Not to mention, he had told me that his suite was already painted the color he wanted his sheets to be…Honestly though, he didn’t seem to mind the slight colour change, but I’m sure with all the talking he did that day he didn’t even notice the blue-grays I was showing him.

In his ramblings I learned a lot about Pippin, maybe a bit too much. I mean, he revealed some things that a stranger definitely has no business knowing. For instance, Pippin, a substitute teacher, had just recently moved to Vancouver because of his all too new divorce—which by the way, he didn’t see coming. Of course, he also told me that now that he was a bachelor again—there’s that word again—he could leave his wet towel on the floor as well as his socks wherever he wanted without someone nagging him about it. I hate to be the one to say it, but I think I know how your marriage ended—seriously, guys, there is nothing less attractive than a guy who doesn’t pick up after himself so don’t do this! So what did I do this whole time? Nothing. I simply nodded my head because I really didn’t know if there was anything for me to say that would be appropriate.

My lack of responsiveness is probably why what happened next was something I didn’t see coming. We had been crouched over a display talking about why the sheets I was holding were better than the ones he was holding—it was all very business like. So when he stopped me to tell me that he liked how I had painted my nails I was just like “uh…thanks?” (And for those of you who would really like to know, my nails were painted blue with silver stars—I’m starting to think maybe this guy has a thing for blue.) He then proceeded to lament the fact that I was married, because of course, wearing a ring on that finger must mean that I am. Obviously I wasn’t as cynical then as I am now, so I corrected his error and was immediately attacked by his eagerness to have my number. I don’t know about him, but I had spent the last 20-25 minutes being his therapist and I was not in the least bit interested, not to mention I wasn’t even 18 a the time… so yeah, an older guy telling me “maybe we could get together and try out [his] new sheets” when his bed came in wasn’t awkward at all…not at all. (Note the sarcasm).

On that note, Pippin, if you ever read this, I would just like to give you a kind thanks because without you I would not have had material for this blog.